TEARS Foundation provides access to crisis intervention, advocacy, counselling, and prevention education services for those impacted by domestic violence, sexual assault and child sexual abuse. Confidential services are provided to all victims at no charge!
Support for moms who are experiencing Perinatal Depression in a non-judgmental group where everything discussed is met with unconditional love and empathy Provide support through Support groups, whatsapp groups (run 24/7), facebook page with useful resources
Emotional changes that are distorted: out of proportion in:-
duration (2 weeks +)
degree that’s disabling, interfering with normal life
Imbalance of mood messenger chemicals (amines) – ‘pathological’ or ‘clinical’ Both anxiety and depression respond to antidepressants
Affects body, mind and spirit
Physically – too tired or
Mentally – can’t concentrate to work properly Spiritually – struggle with faith, Bible reading and prayer
Exercise: What would hold you back from seeking medical help?
‘Good’ reasons:- ‘Bad’ reasons:-
What are the symptoms?
Anxiety and depression – separately or mixed
x
Anxiety x
x
x Depression
Emotional:
Tearfulness, despair, lack of hope, lack of feelings (including lack of love for friends & family as well as God; emptiness (includes absence of ‘depression’ in some – more common for men)
Lack of interest or pleasure in all or most activities,
Anxious, nervous, agitated, restless, irritable,
Fearful – of the future and of people, withdrawing from them,
Guilt and feeling worthless, self-preoccupied
Over-sensitivity – paranoid tendency
Mental:
Poor concentration and ability to make decisions (useful check what length article can read/take in)
Slowed up thinking
Detachment – depersonalization, derealization
Obsessive thoughts
Phobias
Recurrent thoughts of death &/or suicidal ideas
Physical:
Sleep disturbance, Insomnia or hypersomnia (especially early morning waking, dreading the day ahead & often improved mood later in day)
Appetite change, 3 Kg + weight gain or loss
Low energy, persistent tiredness, or slowed up movement,
Various aches and pains, feeling dizzy or faint, disturbed bodily functions and sensations
Spiritual impact:
for a Christian,
Loss of sense of believing in God or his love, presence, purpose for life or forgiveness (unshakable guilt feelings),
Prayer difficult and less meaningful – loss of sense of God’s presence – need to cry out to God using Psalms
Bible-reading impaired by poor concentration – less solace from scripture- reading – need to read with a friend
Extreme of depression: psychotic with beliefs that are distorted to extent that out of touch with reality
Extreme of anxiety: self-harm, as reduces anxiety level and re-establishes contact with reality
NB No two people will be identical, but common core of familiar symptoms)
biochemical make-up – prone to recurrent depression or Bipolar Disorder – extreme mood swinging (high and low)
Nurture – (or lack of it!) early separation, parental deprivation: ‘learned helplessness’, abuse (emotional, physical or sexual), parental attitudes e.g. unrealistic expectations (‘failing’)
Physiological change
glands e.g. thyroid, , post-viral
hormone swings e.g. adolescence, post-natal, menopausal
exhaustion e.g. from sleep loss (or can cause high mood swing, then low) post-viral, M.E. (myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome) Seasonal Affective Disorder in (SADS)
Some things our response can change through how we regard them:
Stressful life situations or events even pleasant ones eg marriage! Exams, transition periods, uncertainty over future. Loss e.g. of peer group, bereavement, loss or lack of pregnancy, unemployment, retirement
Ongoing loneliness & isolation– including cut off by deafness etc. Awareness of futility in life, reality of ‘down-hill path’ with age Suppressed guilt or anger, resentment, disappointment
Christian faith helps through
Realistic expectations – hope not fulfilled in this world God’s trustworthy promises
God’s undeserved love and grace
BUT can make life harder through
Realistic aspect to guilt as feel ungrateful and unloving
Raised expectations particularly from ‘triumphalist’ preaching Guilt at ‘letting the side down’ by poor witness
Caring for those who are resisting the gospel
Satan’s buffeting
And can be aggravated by
inexperience of managing stress recognizing warning signs
Exercise:
Think of the last time something ‘got you down’ – what were your thoughts?
Positive:
Negative:
How do we tackle depression and anxiety?
What’s led up to it – humanly and spiritually?
pray from God’s word eg Psalm 139: v23,24, for an open heart and mind pray for grace to keep going & submission to God’s will
General practical things
Sleep improvement / relaxation time / more company Exercise / fitness / regular food
Tackle specific stresses
Smallest step first / make a realistic plan that extends beyond depressed state
Consider immediate ‘heart problems’ & attitudes e.g. Hurts not forgiven, anger/resentment
Guilt repented but not released (Psalm 103:12) ‘expectations’ ‘entitlement’ pride
– need to repent, accept God’s will and loving nature, despite suffering experienced
Above all don’t go it alone:
Talk to someone else – group leader, friend, GP Cry out to Jesus when in pain, using Psalms.
Accept any help on offer – antidepressants, psychological help or other therapy,
alongside Christian counseling and fellowship
Once recovering, protection through learning about at a deeper level:
God’s character – his love, grace towards us and personal care: He loves us! Self-esteem/Pride issues – who are we serving and why are we doing it? God’s sovereignty –confidence in his awesome power: He is in control!
and fourthly, Get to grips with a Biblical view of suffering
How can we help others?
‘A trouble shared is a trouble halved’ – just expressing feelings helps Especially true if shared with someone showing the fruits of the spirit Listen sympathetically, read the Bible & pray
Conclusion
What are we aiming for?
Not a struggle-free life – can promise you will never have that as a Christian! But – growing security, lived out fully in strong assurance that,
whatever the future holds, as a very old hymn puts it, ‘It is well with my soul’ :
1 ‘When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea-billows roll; whatever my lot You have taught me to say,
‘It is well, it is well with my soul’. Horatio G Spafford(1828-88) We are safe for eternity – and nothing can matter in comparison! Heb 12:11
1 Book: ‘What’s So Amazing About Grace’: Philip Yancey
2 Book: ‘The Freedom Of Self-Forgetfulness’: Timothy Keller
Before you post that blog, Facebook status, or tweet, what would be some indicators you might want to consider first? In such an instance, I want to offer 12 brief questions to ask yourself. You might think of them as indicator lights, the kind a pilot checks before taking off.
1) Will it edify? Or significantly inform a useful conversation? (Mk 12:29–31; 1 Cor 14:26)
Try to think of what will edify others. All we do is in obedience to the command to love God and others. How will it increase their knowledge, or faith, or love? Are you accurately representing any positions you disagree with? How sure am I of my facts? Trivialities hopefully fill up our lives less than they do so much of the Internet. John Piper has said that “One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove on the last day that our prayerlessness was not from lack of time!” He’s right.
2) Will it easily be misunderstood? (Jn 13:7; 16:12)
The privacy of a personal conversation limits misunderstanding. In public posts, some things will sound one way to those who know us, and another to those who don’t. Negative assessments are often best shared privately, or not at all. How many of us have learned at our workplace that email is a terrible way to share any kind of negative comments? And, thinking of more public postings, ask yourself: are there reasons why I may not be a good person to speak on certain matters?
3) Will it reach the right audience? (Mark 4:9 et al.)
If you’re correcting someone, should the audience for that correction be wider—or more narrow? Is that audience correctable? When you use social media, consider who is listening to what you’re saying. What if everyone in this room came over and eavesdropped on your conversations after the service today? Yet we do this all the time online.
4) Will it help my evangelism? (Col. 1:28–29)
Is what you’re about to communicate going to help or hinder those you’re evangelizing? Is it likely to diminish the significance (to them) of your commitment to the gospel, or enhance it?
5) Will it bring about unnecessary and unhelpful controversy? (Titus 3:9)
Think carefully about controversy. The line between vigorous exchange of ideas and a kind of social war is sometimes thinner than we may think. What is this particular controversy that I would be contributing to good for? When is it unhelpful? How much time will it take up? Is this an unavoidable primary issue, or a matter about which disagreement is fairly unimportant? Will this controversy play into any other division that threatens the unity of our local church?
6) Will it embarrass or offend? (1 Cor. 12:21–26)
Will anyone be embarrassed or offended by what you’re saying? I understand that the mere fact that something is offensive doesn’t mean that saying it is wrong, but simply, we must be sure the offense is worth it.
7) Will it convey care? (1 Cor. 12:21–26)
Will those mainly concerned appreciate your motives? Privacy in communication conveys care, an honoring of the person receiving the information. You like the fact that your doctor’s report is private; but you don’t mind that the sale at the store is advertised. If someone would rather be addressed in person, why not do that?
8) Will it make people better appreciate someone else? (1 Cor. 12:21–26)
Point out God’s grace in others’ lives, ministries, arguments, etc. Highlighting something that will build others’ esteem for someone else glorifies God and encourages others to see His work in them.
9) Is it boasting? (Prov. 27:2)
Does what you communicate online draw attention to yourself more than your topic? How could that be spiritually harmful to you or others? Will it leave people with a more accurate understanding of you? Are you simply being tempted to draw attention to yourself, or to what you know? When was the last time you encouraged others by sharing something embarrassing or even sinful about yourself?
10) Is the tone appropriate? (2 John 1, 12; Col. 4:6; Eph. 4:29; 2 Tim 2:24–25)
Will people understand and be encouraged in the truth that you communicate? How important is the tone to your message being rightly received? Is it evidently kind, patient, and gentle? The literal tone of your voice and the look on your face fill out so much of what you mean. In a personal conversation, you can more quickly understand that something needs clarifying and clarify it. The Internet doesn’t sanctify anger or frustration.
11) Is it wrong to say nothing? (Romans 1:14)
Do you have an opportunity or even a responsibility to communicate something? Some of you do this for your job. Have you established a “relationship” with readers, friends, and followers online that would expect you to comment on a particular issue or situation? Our freedom of speech is a wonderful stewardship! We want to use it well and responsibly. I guess there are even some jobs that aren’t worth sacrifices they call for, aren’t there?
12) What do others advise? (Prov. 11:14; 15:22; 24:6)
When you are about to communicate something you know others will find provocative, do you have good sounding-boards to try to help you estimate the response? Do you take time to consider before you publish? Speed of response is both an ability of the Internet and a temptation to speak too quickly (contra James 1:19; Prov. 10:19; 14:29; 16:32; 17:27). Remember, you will give an account for every word you type (Mt 12:36). Does saying things at a “safe distance” from people tempt us to say things we wouldn’t say to their face?
Perhaps you could write down these questions and ask a friend to look over your social media with these concerns in mind. Or even, ask someone who you know disagrees with you on some issue you’ve posted on or written about and see what they would say. So many of us might be able to improve our care. Can you imagine how much care the apostles took when writing their letters?
I’m English and we are commonly associated with the phrase “keep a stiff upper lip”: an implacable resolve, a refusal to show emotion, a stoic perseverance in times of trouble. We almost have a fondness for this because it seems so quintessentially British, especially with shows like Downton Abbey and Call the Midwife. This approach originates from Stoicism (not surprisingly), though the phrase itself was first used in the early 1800s. It was the overriding philosophy in Victorian private schools and came to exemplify what was considered right and proper behaviour.
In the West generally, there is an approach to emotions where they are kept very private. We grieve privately. Our funerals are about individual closure. We read self-help books at home and see counsellors on sick days or in our spare time. A few years ago, another English phrase was imported around the world: “keep calm and carry on”, from a poster made at the outset of World War II. These days you see it on mugs and t-shirts and phone cases. Stoicism still infiltrates our culture, telling us how we should (or think we should) behave.
Many people’s approach to emotions is about efficiency. We seek to swiftly move from feeling bad to feeling good again, wanting to process bad events as quickly as possible. This is partially natural. We want to take the pain away. When we are physically hurt we put bandaids on and take pain killers. But we need to remember that those things only ease the situation; healing still has to happen.
It takes a lot of work to have a stiff upper lip, to keep calm and carry on. In fact, it does a lot of damage. We move on from the pain before it heals or, even worse, we suppress wounds and there is no healing at all. What would happen if we had a deep physical wound that we allowed only to partially heal, or not at all?
In other cultures and times, processing negative emotions is more communal. Roman funerals could be quite elaborate and include up to five elements (a procession, a cremation and burial, the eulogy, a feast, and commemoration); mourning was public.
Ancient Jewish culture was more like this. One of the best gifts we have to help us process emotional pain is Psalms. Given our cultural discomfort with negative emotions, we tend to mainly focus on the happy psalms. They’re good for inspirational posters and giving comfort to those in pain when we don’t know what to say. But the beauty of Psalms is that God did give us words to say. He gave us words for when the pain is so deep it seems unspeakable. He gave us words to cry out to him, even when in anguish and despair, even when we want to shout and scream and protest and question.
What these psalms do is lead us into the pain and allow us to sit there awhile—to acknowledge the feelings and deal with them. We don’t need to solve the problem as quickly as possible. In his mercy and grace, God teaches us a different way.
Nearly half of the psalms are laments, journeys to take to process our emotional pain. They name fears specifically for us: fear of attack, fear of loss, fear that God will not answer and more. They acknowledge feelings: confusion, emotional exhaustion, despair, longing, deep yearning. Only when the psalmist has brought our pain into the light and we have stayed in it a little while does the poetry move us to a more hopeful future. This conclusion can only happen after the pain has been processed.
Let’s look at Psalm 13 together, one by David:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
The psalmist fears that God has left him alone in his pain.
How long must I take counsel in my soul
David despairs of his anxiety and over-thinking, mulling and stewing on the things that plague him.
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
The seemingly never-ending sadness is palpable. It remains when he pushes himself to go through his daily business, a lead weight in the heart.
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
There is a sense of injustice, that someone has overpowered him materially or emotionally. In this situation there may be loss of land or money, loss of face, loss of family, loss of power and control.
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
David pleads with God to answer him because otherwise his only rest will come in eternal sleep.
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
This sense that there will never be vindication brings to light David’s deepest feelings of yearning to be justified.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Having acknowledged the feelings and stayed with them awhile, here God, through David, brings the reader out into the light of hope.
In this model, our pain doesn’t need to be private (many of these psalms are communal psalms) nor processed quickly. This doesn’t mean we should parade and wallow in our pain and end up celebrating it. Psalms gives a shape and tempo to our processing. It acknowledges and gives validation to our feelings, and allows us to stay in them for the purposes of healing. But then the words move us very definitely on to the next stage.
And there are over 60 of these types of psalms, for a whole range of painful emotions and for repeated use—because it’s not as though we read one psalm and then we’re good to go. Just as we have repeated counselling sessions or doctor check-ups, we should stay in Psalms for as long as we need to. This invites God to speak comfort to us and urge us to seek him when we are at our darkest points.
The next time you are seeking to comfort someone, read lament psalms with them. Help them to access the pace of processing our hurt provided to us by God himself. Likewise, the next time you are seeking comfort for yourself, go to Psalms. Know that God sees your pain and your most negative emotions. He wants you to acknowledge him in the darkness and bring your pain into the light—but he wants more for us than that alone. He wants you to trust and move forward, even an inch at a time, for as long as you are here on earth. And he wants to do it with you: he’s given you himself in the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort our hearts; he’s sacrificed himself in the Son to bring you freedom from sin and pain; he’s prepared a heavenly home where you will be whole. Let him lead your healing—he knows the pace to set so that you last until your heavenly prize.
We like to measure and compare things. We compare the coffee at one café to another. We compare one internet provider or phone plan to another. We compare one school or university to another. But we also like to measure and compare ourselves in relation to other people. At work or in our study we will compare ourselves and our performance to our peers. Trawling through social media, we can’t help but compare our life to others’ (or to what they want us to think their life is like!). Maybe you are someone who consciously compares your appearance to other people. We compare ourselves to other people all the time.
We even compare our Christianity. How often do you find yourself measuring your faith and godliness in relation to that of a fellow brother or sister—or even an unbeliever’s? How often do you compare yourself to another believer by the church that they go to or the amount of ministry activities that they do?
But when we compare ourselves to other people we fall into two big problems: comparing down, and comparing up.
Comparing down
When we compare down we elevate ourselves above someone else; we compare ourselves to them favourably. In the Bible we see this play out in Jesus’ parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. This Pharisee is a classic example of someone who compares down, and as he prays we are left in no doubt as to what—or who—he measures himself against: “God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector” (Luke 18:11).
By elevating yourself above others, you look down on them. You use a person whom you judge to be ‘worse’ as your measure. This stems from our pride and our over-inflated view of ourselves and our superiority. It’s the sentence or the thought that starts “At least I’m not as bad as…”. We do it because it makes us feel better and gives us a greater sense of self-worth, but it is dangerous and wrong. Jesus had some stern words about the Pharisee and taught that this proud attitude was not the path for those who want to be right with God (Luke 18:14). Let us heed this warning.
Comparing up
On the flipside, we also compare up. This is where we compare and see others as being greater than we are, or even the ultimate. A fellow human being becomes the benchmark we must reach. The Bible speaks sharply about how, in our rebellion against God, we humans have idolized and worshipped creation—including fellow humans—rather than God (Rom 1:21-23). When we compare up, we search for the ideal in the creation and not the Creator.
How often have you said or thought something along the lines of “If only I was like….” or “If only I had…”? Comparing up shows our lack of contentment and ungratefulness towards God for how he has made us according to his good design. It also shows us where we find our value: in someone or something other than God. Rather than promoting an attitude of thankfulness to God for how he has made us and the circumstances he has placed us in, we become jaded and dissatisfied with God as we chase what we have idolized.
Measuring and comparing ourselves against others, both favourably and unfavourably, hinders our trust in God.
The right measurement
When it comes to making comparisons with others, the bottom line that the Bible draws is: no-one and nothing can compare to God. When God addresses his people through the prophet Isaiah he says:
To whom will you liken me and make me equal, and compare me, that we may be alike? … Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. (Isaiah 46:5, 9b)
The true measurement for all things is in relation to God. The humbling truth of the gospel is that in our sinfulness none of us can reach the perfect standard of God. We fall dreadfully short because of our sin; we are not even close. But the liberating truth of the gospel is that Jesus is the ultimate one who doesn’t fall short of God. When we look to Jesus we see that the only standard and measurement that matters is who we are in Christ, not in relation to someone else. Through Christ’s finished work on the cross and his merits—not our own!—we can measure up to God.
Looking to Jesus gives us enormous comfort as we find our true self-worth in him, and leads us to far greater joy and humility than engaging in the fruitless exercise of comparing ourselves to other people.
So how can you fight the urge to compare yourself to other people? Here are three suggestions:
Fight grumbling with gratitude. Give thanks to God for how he has made you in his good design (Ps 139:14). Thank him for the circumstances that he has placed you in. Make gratitude a key part of your prayer life.
Fight jealousy with joy. Celebrate and rejoice in the diversity of gifted people who are members of the body of Christ (Rom 12:3-8). Rather than being jealous of a fellow brother or sister, give thanks for them and praise God for the unique way he has made them. Find a Christian and tell them what you are thankful for about the way God has made them.
Fight discontentment with delight. Find your contentment in your loving Father and all the riches he has given to you in Christ. Have a go at memorizing Ephesians 1:3-14, and marvel at all that God has given us. Or, if you’re looking for something a bit shorter but no less significant, memorize the comforting words of the Psalmist in Psalm 73:25-26.
Submission can be a controversial can of worms. In Australia, secular journalists have recently published concerns about the dangers of submission. They’re right to do so.
When men and women submit to Christ, we give up our selfish rights and preferences, and voluntarily choose to live under his authority. He owns our lives and asks for total allegiance. If Christ were not trustworthy and abounding in compassion, grace, wisdom and goodness, this would be a precarious position indeed. But, thankfully, submission to Christ is the truest freedom, so we need not fear.
But in this sinful world, power is abused. Men and women in all kinds of positions of influence and leadership can use their position selfishly and sinfully, and victims become injured by heinous evil. As such, submission is a risky business.
So when Christ says, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord”, there are risks. Sometimes husbands are foolish and make bad decisions. Sometimes husbands are sinful and abuse their wives. God speaks very clearly about the latter. He hates violence, rage, fits of anger and the abuse of power (Ps 11:5; Prov 3:29; Gal 5:19-21; Mark 10:42-45). Such people will be punished most severely (Gal 5:21).
So what do we do?
Ephesians 5:22-33 is the extended parallel of Colossians 3:18, where the hidden mystery of marriage is unveiled. God designed earthly marriages to give a foretaste of the sublime goodness of the eternal marriage between Christ and the church. As such, wives are to be like the church, modelling submission so that everyone has a better understanding of what it looks like for individuals to submit to Christ. Likewise, husbands are to demonstrate Christ’s headship, modelling sacrificial, selfless leadership so we better understand Christ’s loving rule. We are to learn from each other.
I am very grateful to God for the blessing of a wonderful, Christlike husband. Richard insists on taking out the garbage every week, he cooks when I’m busy, he drives when I’m tired and he comforts me when I’m sad. Submitting to him is a wonderful joy that I don’t take for granted. I received this undeserved blessing through the painful death of another. So I cherish it dearly, thanking God for this tangible expression of Christ and the gospel.
Yet despite this, in my sinfulness, I still fail. Sometimes I get tired and grumpy. Sometimes I’m impatient and irritable. To my shame, sometimes I get angry when I feel my husband hasn’t loved me exactly as I want him to, and in a desire for justice I punish him for it. But Colossians says, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them”. Should Richard only love me when I’m kind and patient and in a good mood? This would be outrageous! Husbands, even if your wife is angry and emotional, please love her patiently—with compassion, kindness and humility. Assume she knows how undeserving she is.
Likewise, wives, even if your husband is disappointing, slow to initiate, and clumsy in his efforts, please respect him, patiently encourage him, and build him up with your words. Assume he knows his weaknesses and failings. He might feel trapped and unable to change himself. He may feel self-hatred and pity for his own inadequacies and sins, and know just how undeserving he is of your loyalty and grace.
Ephesians 5:33 is very helpful in all this. Insightfully, author Emmerson Eggerichs says that respect is the heart of submission, and the biblical ‘love language’ for men. In general, where women want to be loved and cherished and adored, men want to be respected.
But sometimes in our ungodliness, instead of respecting our husbands, wives can belittle, demean and demand. Sometimes it’s easy for us to have a critical, complaining or controlling spirit, especially when there are differing preferences and opinions. While there’s certainly a right place to disagree and discuss, and while there’s certainly a right place to keep a safe distance from a violent or abusive husband, it honours God to do so with loving respect—not with superiority and stubbornness, not with a spirit of revenge or bitterness, but with “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience” (Col 3:12).
As you continue reflecting on Colossians 3:18, these questions might be helpful: Do you appreciate your husband’s work and service? Do you admire his strengths (or even his efforts) to love? Do you praise his godly ideas and leadership? Do you honour his preferences and desires?
Respect is most foundational to the goodness of submission: Whatever his failings, how can you treat your husband with respect and build him up with your words? Perhaps do some homework. Ask him, “What makes you feel respected?” You never know—the answer may surprise you.
